Loops

Sometimes I wonder where life is leading me or if I am leading my life.  Lately I feel I am not leading anything.  I'm sure there are multiple reasons I feel this way but mostly my mind is on permanent LOOP!  One thought coursing through my tiny underdeveloped brain.  It strings every feeling, every emotion, every action together.  I eat an orange...BABY thought.  I watch my favorite soccer games...BABY thought.  I vomit...(absolute) BABY thought.  I crave coke...(the legal kind) BABY thought.  What is the baby doing?  What does the baby look like?  What does the baby think?  Does the baby like sports?  Is the baby ok?  Why does the baby make me SO nauseous?  Why am I not dreaming my wonderful dreams about the baby?  How do you pick a baby name?  Is the baby a boy, girl...monkey?  Does Ginger like the baby?  Why is RJ talking to my stomach...oh yeah...the baby?!  I could go on and on...I could get really seriously emotional or really seriously ridiculous with these questions...either way it's never ending. 

Please don't mistake my meaning.  This is not my public (well, semi public for the two people I know will read this) rant.  This is just some sort of medium to voice my thoughts.  Question myself.  Validate that I can still apply my thoughts in a different way then just letting them run over everything in my day.

RJ and I have had many conversations (poor guy) about the way my brain focuses on things, events, tasks, relationships, feelings...everything generally.  I don't just look at a tree and think..."a tree."  I look at the tree and think..."a tree, leaves, roots, branches, movement, family, sight, smell, nature, that tree is connected to me directly...it touches the air that I breathe...air, lungs, BABY (haha), color, etc."  Mostly I love this about myself.  I love that I have made my life an experience moment to moment and that I know I am not meant to be the same from moment to moment.  Sometimes though, thought becomes the only action which doesn't really seem like action at all. 

I am hoping that my doctors appointment tomorrow will shed some light on my worries and insecurities about being pregnant and how our little one is fairing.  I'm nervous and hopeful but scared and a little doubtful (this I hate but honesty is very important).  I would love for history to not repeat itself tomorrow and to learn great, wonderful news that will put my fears to rest for the holidays and calm this tiring yet very mindful thinking I'm involved in.

I'll keep the posts coming.  Hopefully I'll be able to post some exciting things in the near, very near, future!

much love