Paradise

Its hard to describe leaving a place that I love so much. I have started never saying goodbye to "my" beautiful Hawaiian islands and instead turn to thanking that ever present Aloha Spirit for the glimpse inside heaven. It amazes me how easily the beauty of each island unveils itself. Each passing hour inviting me into the natural beauty of majestic green cliffs, black lava rock cradled in the rolling blue and turquoise waves and the scent and colors of the plumeria and hibiscus blooms. I slowly and evenly become my true self in this place. I dive inward and find the questions and answers surface as I dare to become vulnerable in memory and courageous on the path ahead. I rediscover myself, I notice qualities about myself that I really love and I feel emotion in an even more intense way than normal. This trip was exceedingly special to me as I envisioned RJ and I and our little one experiencing this all together. I would love nothing more than to share this side of myself with a soul so special as this one is to me. I value so greatly the moments and memories spent in Hawaii with my parents, sisters and brothers. I can only imagine to intensity of emotion I will feel in sharing these islands with my son or daughter someday.

On that note I feel it appropriate to share how incredibly difficult and surprisingly emotional it was for me to be in Hawaii for the first time without my father. Even now the tears stain my cheeks just as they did each time I tenderly remembered the times I have shared with him here. RJ and I had many conversations about it being our first visit without him there and how much we sincerely love him and appreciate the love he has always shown us. I know our child will be extremely lucky to have a grandfather that will love them without question.

It has taken me many years to realize all that I have in common with my mother and father and now as I am humbled with the opportunity of becoming a parent I sense myself holding dearly to the unique qualities I have gained from both of them.  From my mother I feel I have gained compassion for all.  I have learned how to face adversity with courage and a heart open to change.  I have learned how to feel love deeply even knowing that sometimes love is accompanied with hardship, question and indefinitely with another opinion.  From my father I feel I have learned that the most valuable and cherished part of life is the relationships I create and how I maintain them.  I have learned how to be completely vulnerable and how to allow that emotion to refine me into a more complete woman.  I have learned how to look at life in my unique way and accept myself.  Both of my parents have always encouraged me to be a strong person and have accepted my emotional ways at their own pace, just as I have learned to accept that key component of my being.  The most important lesson I have learned from my parents is one that many may think contrary to the path our family has taken, yet it is one I KNOW to be beautifully perfect for those involved.  I have learned that loving someone and creating a union means supporting each other through the ups and downs...the I do's and I don'ts...the ballet recitals, birthdays, church talks, vacations, soccer games, weddings, funerals, graduations...you name it and I could always look to either side and see my parents there.  They put aside many emotions individually to raise me in a way I knew I was loved and supported.  I have NEVER, EVER wished for parents other than mine and I have never questioned their relationship as one that changed me for the better or worse.  Maybe this is too much, too personal, too confusing for anyone outside my brain to understand...but in the end this is for me, about me and I'm ok with that.

Like I have mentioned many times, this blog is my way of expressing my otherwise private thoughts about my take on life.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope to finally get our baby news on here soon...as soon as we find out.  So far the votes (blog, Facebook and verbal) for a boy are winning...we'll see!

Much Love!!!