It's been so long since I've posted anything that it would be impossible to try and back track. So, I'll just start with what has been playing through my mind lately.
To some it may seem childish, selfish, attention getting...to me it's simply what I think about about and feel on a very real level.
I WANT TO BE A MOM!!! Without going into all the details, RJ and I have not been able to carry a pregnancy full term. Yes, there are things I know I could be doing to get my body in optimum shape...and then part of me thinks "why go through that loss again?" Going through the trauma of loosing multiple pregnancies in the midst of loosing grandparents, welcoming 2 baby brothers to this world, battling deep depression, loosing the acceptance of one's self, being fired from a job I loved, loosing friends, trying to gain trust in others and myself...it's just a jumbled confusing time in life and yet there is such a hole where life is absent.
Please know these thoughts come with a sense of knowing...not so much as a depression...yes, there is sadness but also awareness. I look at friends and family having these blessings enter their lives and then I look to RJ and I wonder if he wants to trade me in sometimes. I KNOW he would never voice a comment like that...I just know that he didn't sign up for a lot of things he has gotten from marriage. I AM eternally grateful for his unfailing love, companionship and friendship...I just believe he deserves all the blessings in life and he would be a WONDERFUL father.
This post is not some sort of pity party. I am surrounded by two of the sweetest little boys in my brothers, great neighbors and cousins that share the blessings of having a little one around. I just wonder at time what it would be like to have someone rely on me, come from me. I would love to look into adoption and consider that an honor and blessing to so many...I just don't know where to start and how to come up with money. My arms are open, my heart has marinated on this topic too long. Lullabys and sweet dreams to you all and to all the babes in arms and those needing mine...
Much love!
8 comments:
Keep hope in your heart!
Hello there! I am trying to find how I can send an e-mail or PM to you. Do you have a facebook profile I could add? The reason why is that My grandfather Ed and you grandfather Cleve were brothers and I am trying to see what family I have on that side. I will check back on this post to see if you recive this. Looking forward to chatting with you.
Roger-
So happy you found me! Please email me at beipensieri@yahoo.com
How on earth did you find this blog??? I look forward to talking with you.
Chelsea
First, Chelsea you never know what turns happen in life. Second, I would love to speak with Roger.
Love,
DAD
Oh lady, first off I have to say that I love you and it breaks my heart to hear and watch those I love go through the misery of infertility.
As you may know, Maren was a surprise. But little Olive took us exactly two and a half years of trying to finally conceive. It wasn't until the last 8 months or so that I was starting to kind of get panicky and worried. But this is nothing compared to the hell some of my dear friends and loved ones have gone through.
You already know that adoption can be a beautiful thing. Maybe there is a foster baby out there waiting for your arms? If that is something you might want to do, my dear friend does the licensing for it and I can put her in contact with you.
Stay strong my friend. There IS a little one out there for you!
I know you have so much love to give babydoll. It will happen, one way or the other.
Love ya
Chelsea my heart breaks for you! We were in the same boat. Don't give up. We were about to start looking into adoption when we got our surprise. You are in my prayers. If you ever need to talk... I'm there! It isn't fair.
{{hugs}}
You are an amazing woman Chelsea! Love you!
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