Paradise

Its hard to describe leaving a place that I love so much. I have started never saying goodbye to "my" beautiful Hawaiian islands and instead turn to thanking that ever present Aloha Spirit for the glimpse inside heaven. It amazes me how easily the beauty of each island unveils itself. Each passing hour inviting me into the natural beauty of majestic green cliffs, black lava rock cradled in the rolling blue and turquoise waves and the scent and colors of the plumeria and hibiscus blooms. I slowly and evenly become my true self in this place. I dive inward and find the questions and answers surface as I dare to become vulnerable in memory and courageous on the path ahead. I rediscover myself, I notice qualities about myself that I really love and I feel emotion in an even more intense way than normal. This trip was exceedingly special to me as I envisioned RJ and I and our little one experiencing this all together. I would love nothing more than to share this side of myself with a soul so special as this one is to me. I value so greatly the moments and memories spent in Hawaii with my parents, sisters and brothers. I can only imagine to intensity of emotion I will feel in sharing these islands with my son or daughter someday.

On that note I feel it appropriate to share how incredibly difficult and surprisingly emotional it was for me to be in Hawaii for the first time without my father. Even now the tears stain my cheeks just as they did each time I tenderly remembered the times I have shared with him here. RJ and I had many conversations about it being our first visit without him there and how much we sincerely love him and appreciate the love he has always shown us. I know our child will be extremely lucky to have a grandfather that will love them without question.

It has taken me many years to realize all that I have in common with my mother and father and now as I am humbled with the opportunity of becoming a parent I sense myself holding dearly to the unique qualities I have gained from both of them.  From my mother I feel I have gained compassion for all.  I have learned how to face adversity with courage and a heart open to change.  I have learned how to feel love deeply even knowing that sometimes love is accompanied with hardship, question and indefinitely with another opinion.  From my father I feel I have learned that the most valuable and cherished part of life is the relationships I create and how I maintain them.  I have learned how to be completely vulnerable and how to allow that emotion to refine me into a more complete woman.  I have learned how to look at life in my unique way and accept myself.  Both of my parents have always encouraged me to be a strong person and have accepted my emotional ways at their own pace, just as I have learned to accept that key component of my being.  The most important lesson I have learned from my parents is one that many may think contrary to the path our family has taken, yet it is one I KNOW to be beautifully perfect for those involved.  I have learned that loving someone and creating a union means supporting each other through the ups and downs...the I do's and I don'ts...the ballet recitals, birthdays, church talks, vacations, soccer games, weddings, funerals, graduations...you name it and I could always look to either side and see my parents there.  They put aside many emotions individually to raise me in a way I knew I was loved and supported.  I have NEVER, EVER wished for parents other than mine and I have never questioned their relationship as one that changed me for the better or worse.  Maybe this is too much, too personal, too confusing for anyone outside my brain to understand...but in the end this is for me, about me and I'm ok with that.

Like I have mentioned many times, this blog is my way of expressing my otherwise private thoughts about my take on life.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope to finally get our baby news on here soon...as soon as we find out.  So far the votes (blog, Facebook and verbal) for a boy are winning...we'll see!

Much Love!!!

Aloha

Well, I suppose everyone gets to that point in the year where a trip to Hawaii is the only thing that will make the focus come back.  Therefore, I start the daily blogging of an officially vacationing girl!  Wahoo!!!

Right now I'm brushing up on my people watching skills at the airport.  It's quite entertaining.  I never knew there could be so many different people in one tiny space.  Right now I count 56 people immediately sharing my D5 gate.  I would say 55 have a cell phone they are talking on or texting from.  How many people does that connect me with?  Infinite...think about how cool that is.  I love it!

Ok, so the destination, as most will be shocked by, is Hawaii.  I'm so in love with that place that this feels like going home.  I can't wait to smell all those beautiful smells, feel the humidity take over my lungs and hear the beautiful sound of the ocean calling my name!

I'll keep you posted on all the fun details of the trip.  Much Love!

Loops

Sometimes I wonder where life is leading me or if I am leading my life.  Lately I feel I am not leading anything.  I'm sure there are multiple reasons I feel this way but mostly my mind is on permanent LOOP!  One thought coursing through my tiny underdeveloped brain.  It strings every feeling, every emotion, every action together.  I eat an orange...BABY thought.  I watch my favorite soccer games...BABY thought.  I vomit...(absolute) BABY thought.  I crave coke...(the legal kind) BABY thought.  What is the baby doing?  What does the baby look like?  What does the baby think?  Does the baby like sports?  Is the baby ok?  Why does the baby make me SO nauseous?  Why am I not dreaming my wonderful dreams about the baby?  How do you pick a baby name?  Is the baby a boy, girl...monkey?  Does Ginger like the baby?  Why is RJ talking to my stomach...oh yeah...the baby?!  I could go on and on...I could get really seriously emotional or really seriously ridiculous with these questions...either way it's never ending. 

Please don't mistake my meaning.  This is not my public (well, semi public for the two people I know will read this) rant.  This is just some sort of medium to voice my thoughts.  Question myself.  Validate that I can still apply my thoughts in a different way then just letting them run over everything in my day.

RJ and I have had many conversations (poor guy) about the way my brain focuses on things, events, tasks, relationships, feelings...everything generally.  I don't just look at a tree and think..."a tree."  I look at the tree and think..."a tree, leaves, roots, branches, movement, family, sight, smell, nature, that tree is connected to me directly...it touches the air that I breathe...air, lungs, BABY (haha), color, etc."  Mostly I love this about myself.  I love that I have made my life an experience moment to moment and that I know I am not meant to be the same from moment to moment.  Sometimes though, thought becomes the only action which doesn't really seem like action at all. 

I am hoping that my doctors appointment tomorrow will shed some light on my worries and insecurities about being pregnant and how our little one is fairing.  I'm nervous and hopeful but scared and a little doubtful (this I hate but honesty is very important).  I would love for history to not repeat itself tomorrow and to learn great, wonderful news that will put my fears to rest for the holidays and calm this tiring yet very mindful thinking I'm involved in.

I'll keep the posts coming.  Hopefully I'll be able to post some exciting things in the near, very near, future!

much love

Gummy Bear is on it's way!

RJ and I are officially expecting our first child on June 11, 2013.  Everyone's health involved has been really great and it seem this may be our first chance at becoming parents.  We are both thrilled, nervous, cautious about every moment but happily opptomistic and are looking forward to planing for our new exteded family in the future.  I, myself, am falling completely in love with this little acrobat in my tummy and look forward to each Ultrasould to see their personality and just bathe in their love.  I am excited for what lies ahead for RJ and I and we ask for you good vibes, blessings, prayers, thoughts, whatever way you send love to others...we appeciate any goodness being sent our way and are mindful of you all.
much love

This is our 11 week ultrasound