Clarity?

Well it's been a while.  Welcome back to the ramblings of this girls mind.  Much has changed in the last 10 months.  Many experiences have left their mark.  Some good and some bad and some absolutely life changing!  Of course nothing has the potential to change a person like having a child and I am one person that is morphing into motherhood with zero clarity of what life has in store...and for the first time in my life that thought excites me!!!  I'm a planner.  I like to know what's next.  Having a child has helped me see the newness life does offer and can be seen if sought out.

This newness has reached into the depths of an "old soul" and brought back a hunger for life.  It's made the very core of myself want to explore the possibilities that I have kept dormant.  Why would I hold myself back?  Why would I doubt my potential?  They seem like very simple questions with very easy answers however that's who I was.  I was the person that was not worth the time.  I was the woman that was not enough...not a good friend, not a good daughter, a HORRIBLE wife...and NEVER going to be a mother.  Well, I am a mother (to THE perfect daughter for me) and I'm becoming a better friend, daughter and wife.  I say better because that's what this journey has become for me.  It's not about being the best or finding what scale to judge my attributes and character with. It's about being present in my relationships and letting those I love know that I love them.  It's about having the courage to be me, to introduce myself to someone and put myself out there because I have something to offer.  Just a hello, a smile, a wave...they have all made a difference in my life and can in others.

Now is the part where I list all the exceptions to my new way of thinking...I'm really not conceded.  I'm not full of myself.  blah blah blah!  Let's just say that if you really see me this way then you don't know me and I'd be happy to introduce myself to you!  Even writing that is hard because I'm so apprehensive to offend someone but this is the one Chelsea forum that is totally optional.

I'm really committed to post more this year.  This is a great way for me to express thoughts in a way that doesn't involve me talking to myself, my dog or my 7 month old.  Thank you for reading!
Much Love!
 

Mothers

It is seriously almost April.  Oi...these last months have cruised by about as fast as a turtle stuck in tar!  No, daily it seems to go slowly but collectively time is flying by.  Before I know it I'll be a mother, RJ a father, my parents will be Grandparents!  And the biggest part of this story is little baby girl becomes the daughter...the one and only sweet girl in our house.

If you have talked to RJ or I in the last months then you know that this sweet girl has developed quite the personality in utero so I just can't believe what's in store when she's actually before my eyes.  I need a little challenge and I know I've learned so much from this experience already that I'm excited to see what else is to come.

Each day I have tried to learn something new.  About myself, my family, this little baby and successfully my range of motion has stretched my mind in ways I didn't know were possible.  I love laying down at night and having the lessons bathe my senses.  Sometimes they come as a review of things from the past but mostly there are thoughts and realizations of how life can be for me, others.  How I can strive to push myself.  How I can accept and offer change a helping hand.  It's really quite an amazing, introspective process and I know it's one that is continually fluid.

There is one concept that I continue to struggle with and it's hard to completely put into words what I would like to wrap my brain around.  Throughout history...which ever path in history you follow...the word Mother is synonymous with the very best!  Yes, there are many stories about Mothers letting children down and vice versa or expectations not being met.  My over active thinking has branched these concepts into about 300 possibilities of what a mother can mean personally, figuratively.  Not only am I becoming a mother but my sisters are becoming motherly figures to my daughter and my mothers (yes, all of you) are taking on the guiding roll of grandmother.  Don't let this lead you to believe I place less value on the roll of fathers, uncles, grandfathers.  Men are KEY figures in any child's life...especially a little girls.  My father has always been front and center in my life and I believe I was drawn to qualities RJ has because I expected goodness from men...which RJ clearly exudes.  I don't worry about others and their ability to step up to the plate and swing away and I KNOW I have many who will support me when I stumble as a mother.  I just want Greycin (yes, that's sweet girls name) to be proud of me.  To claim me as her mother.  I absolutely can't imagine the feeling of being called mommy, mother, mom, mama...for the first time!!!  It's been an unrealized dream of mine for years and one that has meant the world to me when my nieces or nephews have said I was like a mom...it's a blessing and treasure!  I know my words mostly run together in senseless rambling but I need to start clearing some of this out so I can just relax into the final weeks of my pregnancy and at last welcome Greycin to her new home...and guide her as her mother through her test which is life.

Thank you all for your kind words of support, health, strength and all the well wishes.  I know I have felt them and I know this is a wonderful time in life!

Much Love!

The Month of Love

Since it's February and this is the month of love, I thought I would write down a couple things that I'm falling in love with right now...

I love the fact that RJ and I are having a baby girl
I love the name we have picked out
I love being able to get lost in the little movements I feel our baby making
I love dreaming about what the rest of the year will bring
I love sitting in the moment and realizing the miracle, small or large in life
I love RJ...more than I ever could imagine
I love waking up each day knowing that I'm going to experience something for the first time
I love talking to Ginger and my tummy
I love the thought of a little female RJ running around our house
I love EVERYTHING but mostly everything about this wiggly little baby right now

I'm too tired to write more...just read my mind
Much love!!!!

Paradise

Its hard to describe leaving a place that I love so much. I have started never saying goodbye to "my" beautiful Hawaiian islands and instead turn to thanking that ever present Aloha Spirit for the glimpse inside heaven. It amazes me how easily the beauty of each island unveils itself. Each passing hour inviting me into the natural beauty of majestic green cliffs, black lava rock cradled in the rolling blue and turquoise waves and the scent and colors of the plumeria and hibiscus blooms. I slowly and evenly become my true self in this place. I dive inward and find the questions and answers surface as I dare to become vulnerable in memory and courageous on the path ahead. I rediscover myself, I notice qualities about myself that I really love and I feel emotion in an even more intense way than normal. This trip was exceedingly special to me as I envisioned RJ and I and our little one experiencing this all together. I would love nothing more than to share this side of myself with a soul so special as this one is to me. I value so greatly the moments and memories spent in Hawaii with my parents, sisters and brothers. I can only imagine to intensity of emotion I will feel in sharing these islands with my son or daughter someday.

On that note I feel it appropriate to share how incredibly difficult and surprisingly emotional it was for me to be in Hawaii for the first time without my father. Even now the tears stain my cheeks just as they did each time I tenderly remembered the times I have shared with him here. RJ and I had many conversations about it being our first visit without him there and how much we sincerely love him and appreciate the love he has always shown us. I know our child will be extremely lucky to have a grandfather that will love them without question.

It has taken me many years to realize all that I have in common with my mother and father and now as I am humbled with the opportunity of becoming a parent I sense myself holding dearly to the unique qualities I have gained from both of them.  From my mother I feel I have gained compassion for all.  I have learned how to face adversity with courage and a heart open to change.  I have learned how to feel love deeply even knowing that sometimes love is accompanied with hardship, question and indefinitely with another opinion.  From my father I feel I have learned that the most valuable and cherished part of life is the relationships I create and how I maintain them.  I have learned how to be completely vulnerable and how to allow that emotion to refine me into a more complete woman.  I have learned how to look at life in my unique way and accept myself.  Both of my parents have always encouraged me to be a strong person and have accepted my emotional ways at their own pace, just as I have learned to accept that key component of my being.  The most important lesson I have learned from my parents is one that many may think contrary to the path our family has taken, yet it is one I KNOW to be beautifully perfect for those involved.  I have learned that loving someone and creating a union means supporting each other through the ups and downs...the I do's and I don'ts...the ballet recitals, birthdays, church talks, vacations, soccer games, weddings, funerals, graduations...you name it and I could always look to either side and see my parents there.  They put aside many emotions individually to raise me in a way I knew I was loved and supported.  I have NEVER, EVER wished for parents other than mine and I have never questioned their relationship as one that changed me for the better or worse.  Maybe this is too much, too personal, too confusing for anyone outside my brain to understand...but in the end this is for me, about me and I'm ok with that.

Like I have mentioned many times, this blog is my way of expressing my otherwise private thoughts about my take on life.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope to finally get our baby news on here soon...as soon as we find out.  So far the votes (blog, Facebook and verbal) for a boy are winning...we'll see!

Much Love!!!

Aloha

Well, I suppose everyone gets to that point in the year where a trip to Hawaii is the only thing that will make the focus come back.  Therefore, I start the daily blogging of an officially vacationing girl!  Wahoo!!!

Right now I'm brushing up on my people watching skills at the airport.  It's quite entertaining.  I never knew there could be so many different people in one tiny space.  Right now I count 56 people immediately sharing my D5 gate.  I would say 55 have a cell phone they are talking on or texting from.  How many people does that connect me with?  Infinite...think about how cool that is.  I love it!

Ok, so the destination, as most will be shocked by, is Hawaii.  I'm so in love with that place that this feels like going home.  I can't wait to smell all those beautiful smells, feel the humidity take over my lungs and hear the beautiful sound of the ocean calling my name!

I'll keep you posted on all the fun details of the trip.  Much Love!

Loops

Sometimes I wonder where life is leading me or if I am leading my life.  Lately I feel I am not leading anything.  I'm sure there are multiple reasons I feel this way but mostly my mind is on permanent LOOP!  One thought coursing through my tiny underdeveloped brain.  It strings every feeling, every emotion, every action together.  I eat an orange...BABY thought.  I watch my favorite soccer games...BABY thought.  I vomit...(absolute) BABY thought.  I crave coke...(the legal kind) BABY thought.  What is the baby doing?  What does the baby look like?  What does the baby think?  Does the baby like sports?  Is the baby ok?  Why does the baby make me SO nauseous?  Why am I not dreaming my wonderful dreams about the baby?  How do you pick a baby name?  Is the baby a boy, girl...monkey?  Does Ginger like the baby?  Why is RJ talking to my stomach...oh yeah...the baby?!  I could go on and on...I could get really seriously emotional or really seriously ridiculous with these questions...either way it's never ending. 

Please don't mistake my meaning.  This is not my public (well, semi public for the two people I know will read this) rant.  This is just some sort of medium to voice my thoughts.  Question myself.  Validate that I can still apply my thoughts in a different way then just letting them run over everything in my day.

RJ and I have had many conversations (poor guy) about the way my brain focuses on things, events, tasks, relationships, feelings...everything generally.  I don't just look at a tree and think..."a tree."  I look at the tree and think..."a tree, leaves, roots, branches, movement, family, sight, smell, nature, that tree is connected to me directly...it touches the air that I breathe...air, lungs, BABY (haha), color, etc."  Mostly I love this about myself.  I love that I have made my life an experience moment to moment and that I know I am not meant to be the same from moment to moment.  Sometimes though, thought becomes the only action which doesn't really seem like action at all. 

I am hoping that my doctors appointment tomorrow will shed some light on my worries and insecurities about being pregnant and how our little one is fairing.  I'm nervous and hopeful but scared and a little doubtful (this I hate but honesty is very important).  I would love for history to not repeat itself tomorrow and to learn great, wonderful news that will put my fears to rest for the holidays and calm this tiring yet very mindful thinking I'm involved in.

I'll keep the posts coming.  Hopefully I'll be able to post some exciting things in the near, very near, future!

much love

Gummy Bear is on it's way!

RJ and I are officially expecting our first child on June 11, 2013.  Everyone's health involved has been really great and it seem this may be our first chance at becoming parents.  We are both thrilled, nervous, cautious about every moment but happily opptomistic and are looking forward to planing for our new exteded family in the future.  I, myself, am falling completely in love with this little acrobat in my tummy and look forward to each Ultrasould to see their personality and just bathe in their love.  I am excited for what lies ahead for RJ and I and we ask for you good vibes, blessings, prayers, thoughts, whatever way you send love to others...we appeciate any goodness being sent our way and are mindful of you all.
much love

This is our 11 week ultrasound

My Love

 

Today I celebrate my 14th Wedding Anniversary with the most perfect man for me RJ Smith.  RJ and I met almost 20 years ago in Junior High.  From that moment on we have talked almost everyday, laughed, grown together, lived, struggled but we have become a solid team. 

I have never been this in love.  Each day my love for him grows.  I know I can turn to him for support and guidance in any manner.  He is challenging, caring, loving and truthful.  He is hardworking (possible the hardest worker I know).  He is handsome and as the most beautiful soul.  He giving to the point of it being fault.  He is my best friend and has been for so many years.  When I want to hang out I want to hang out with him.  When I want to celebrate life...it's with him.

I live my life side by side with him.  We walk side by side in all things.  We are able to lift each other, cheer each other along, cry with each other.  That's the thing...we KNOW each other so well and in so many ways.  Most communication is subliminal.  Most just happens as our spirits and bodies talk to each other and we just seem to follow.

RJ is the most wonderful just absolutely perfect Husband and the perfect one for this girl.  I love you baby!!!  Thank you for showing me what love is like on so many levels.  You bring love, light, laughter and so much more to my life.

Ti Amo!!!

Change

All of you know that my brain does not seem to have a switch that shuts it off. At times this presents with a challenge but for a really great portion of time it presents as a wonderful gift and brings a chance to rediscover myself. 

Lately I have had the fortunate experience of marveling at the most beautiful stars above the horizon in my life.  They outshine any qualities I could ever reach for.  They light my way...shining a perfect way for my unsteady steps in life.  I feel fortunate to have their knowledge, teaching and gentle ways. 

However, there are some that are missing from this portrait and I think of them and remember their words of encouragement often and with fondness and love.  I was reading in my journals and found some great words that seem to echo through time and find themselves relevant and profound.  One such passage is from the last days of my grandfathers life.  He is a great man and is such a thoughtful and caring love of my life.  His words soothed me as a child, guided me as a teenager and comforted me as an adult.  I am grateful to have had his love through many stages of my life and still feel his gentle urging to continue learning about life, trusting myself and exercising patience in all things.

The passage reads:

Sitting with Grandpa Dwain.  June 27, 2008 3:40 pm.

Grandpa has changed some today.  He has been talking quite a bit and is sharing inspiring words.  I will be writing them as I sit in his room.  Family members have been visiting more and more today.  I can tell he feels many beyond what we see.

Grandpa: "Change will come to all.  This has been a hard day in some way it will always be the best.  I will never forget what the lord has said to me.  Especially the children and grandchildren.  All members of the family.  If we all do our best on both sides.  I will never forget both sides.  It all goes back to everybody.  I think it does.  The most valuable example is to be productive in our lives and He wants to be in all our lives.  There are things and people on the other side for us.  The greatest thing about this is beauty and truth and living together."

There are many people in my life with many opinions about how life begins, is lived and ends.  I respect you all and honor your individual and unique focus.  Since these are my thoughts and this is the place where my usually quiet and deeply personal voice becomes extremely public...this is also the place where my opinion is read. 

My opinion of this passage is best described by holding a mirror to Grandpa and the word truth.  I believe in family.  I live for my family.  I learn from my family.  Everything in my life is FAMILY.  It may be that I have had more time in my life to strengthen my family ties than others but I believe it is just what I was taught to trust in.  My parents, my sweet parents, raised my sisters and I close...always together...always laughing...always supportive.  I watch now as my cute little brothers are also being raised in this tradition.  My grandparents were always close to me.  I could always go to them for anything.  All members of my family!  I believe there is a thread that binds us together and that thread does not fray or fail with time.  Instead the threads of others join and tie us together.  How grateful I am!  How lucky I am to have these encouraging words that change is inevitable and that "in acceptance there is peace."  At a time in life where change is happening quickly for so many around me...how beautifully comforting these words are!!!

Much love!

ALOHA!

Finally!  I have been trying to blog from Hawaii for 5 days!  What's up BLOGSPOT?!?!  No likey Hawaii???  Dang Skippy!

This vacation is hardly suitable with words.  Pictures might do it justice but most likely not.  I am surprised everytime I am here at the beauty, the feeling, the smell of plumeria, the ocean, EVERYTHING!  I don't know how I am not here more often.  I know this is somehow my "home."  My family sort of jokes that I'm a little Hawaiian anyway, so it works.  The memories are filling the volumes in my mind, the air if filling my lungs and will make it possible to return to the snow and cold in a week.

Once again I'm falling in love with the Aloha spirit and this beautiful island way of life!  I'll keep trying to get pictures and more info up to anyone that is bored enough to read this!

much love...

Party like it's your Birthday!!!

One day I saw this beautiful young woman rockin a sliding catch at first base and hitting a home run on the softball field.

One day I was a partner in crime carrying the cocoa mix while my cohort ran in front of me with a gallon of milk...our target? Our sister Stacey. Result? Chocolate milk coated Stacey.

One day I swam in the warm waters of Waikiki and built castles in the sands with this cute little girl destined to become a boss of more than me, her little sister.

One day I had a horrible day, hit rock bottom, I looked up and saw the blue eyes of an angel and that girl filled me with hope and joy.

Casey is THE girl!!! It's her birthday today and I love her! She is a marvelous person, a great friend, a stunning beauty, a competitive athlete, a caring sister and devoted daughter. She has the type of personality that can not be contained by words, held together on paper or even written in the sky. Casey simply does something and speaks the words or descriptions to life. I found a sampling of some Casey moments in life. I love you baby girl. Enjoy...